worth the weight.

my first blog entry.

Here's lookin' at you, Fatty!

This is my first blog entry (and there was much rejoicing).

What brings me to this area of the internet?  Now that I’ve graduated from college, I have a daily routine of “internet errands” .  Dropping by the news neighborhoods for a quick hello.  Checking the mail.  Picking up a few things here and there.  Stopping to ask for directions.  I’ve tried writing blogs before but they’ve always felt like internet graffiti, not contributing much more than noise.  But, like graffiti, there are many purposes to the art.  Sometimes it serves as a memorial.  In this blog, the memorial is of my journey to lose and maintain my weight, while trying to figure out myself.

A lot of people with such a long and arduous journey (over 60lbs!)  move through a series of attitudes:

1.  The quick and easy solution. Surely there’s a pill or a program or even a shoe that will allow me to lose weight and keep up this gluttony!  Alli, p90x, Sketch-up’s anyone?

2.  Blaming. It was my job, my parents, school, health, etc that made me gain weight.

3.  Depression. It’s hopeless.  I won’t ever reach my goals.  I might as well eat what I want now before I am forced to change my eating habits due to something like diabetes.

4.  Denial. I haven’t gained any more weight.  My clothes shrank in the dryer.  This scale is clearly wrong.

5.  Determination.  I am sick and tired of myself.  Something has to change.

Sometimes you can even move through these stages in the same day.  Where does that leave me?  Somewhere between depression and determination.  Today I wore the biggest pair of pants I own and the zipper wouldn’t stay up because I really should be a size higher.  My boots today felt tight and all of my muscles are sore.   I haven’t been on a scale in over a week because I am scared of how much damage I did with the blizzard binge this weekend.  I plowed through a very high fat and caloric dinner because I restricted my diet too much during the day and became ravenous after work.  I’m feeling guilty.  I’m feeling depressed.  I’m feeling physically ill.  So what now?

Now I make a decision.  That decision is not to continue the binging.  That decision is to start by making a serious of small decisions every day.  That decision is to start to love myself more.  I wouldn’t let my boyfriend or my best friend starve themselves to the point of agitation.  I wouldn’t let them shove their faces with food they hate so that they feel like they’re punishing themselves.  This blog is going to be a memorial to these decisions so that one day when it’s all second nature I’ll remember how hard each decision was.

My first decision?  Not to binge tonight.  Not to eat the ice cream calling my name in the freezer.