http://meganloses.com

Super excited and so thankful for Roni, who is the brains in the whole operation.  Can’t wait to meet you there!

It never ever occurred to me that the gum disease and weight problems could be connected.  I know I know, another thing that obesity increases your risk of having but this one can cause some pretty serious stuff!

What’s so serious about gum disease?  Remember how your parents always told you that eating too much candy would make your teeth fall out.  Turns out, it’s true!  (Side note: dentists don’t think it’s funny to tell them that you want them all to fall out so that you can start over anew).  On the less serious side, it can also cause bad breath, excessive bleeding, sensitivity, pain, etc.  Most recently, a study was released that said pregnant women with gum disease are more likely to have premature births.

So what’s the link with obesity?  In a study that found obese 18-34 year olds to be more likely to have gum disease, it is theorized that the same eating habits that contribute to obesity also contribute to gum disease as the sugars in some foods can stay in your mouth and cause bacteria and plaque to form.  Another theory links insulin resistance and gum disease:

“People who have a higher body mass index produce cytokines (hormone-like proteins), that lead to systemic inflammation and insulin resistance,” said Robert J. Genco, vice provost at the University at Buffalo and editor of the JOP. “We propose that chronic stimulation and secretion of proinflammatory cytokines associated with periodontal infection also occurs, contributing to insulin resistance, which may further predispose to diabetes mellitus.”

Yet another set of theories links heart disease and gum disease.  One being that the same plaque build-up on your teeth can enter your bloodstream and cause your arteries to swell.  Another being that the bacteria from your mouth can enter your bloodstream and attach to the plaque in your coronary arteries.

And, as someone that struggles with gum disease, lemme just tell you that it blows!  Here are some warning signs to be aware of (from the American Academy of Periodontology):

• Red, swollen or tender gums or other pain in your mouth
• Bleeding while brushing, flossing, or eating hard food
• Gums that are receding or pulling away from the teeth, causing the teeth to look longer than before
• Sores in your mouth
• Persistent bad breath
• A change in the way your teeth fit together when you bite

To see if you’re at risk, visit the American Academy of Periodontology website to take a risk assessment or talk to your dental provider.

(points courtesy of http://www.dwlz.com/WWinfo/girlscout.html)

Other things I’ve eaten this week?  Chipotle Salad, On the Border Beef Enchiladas, Panera Pick Two, Red Robin Turkey Burger, and a mild binge Friday night of low point items and a Tysons breaded chicken patty.

Needless to say, this week isn’t perfect.

I am a creature of habit and I know myself well enough to know that I am most successful when I am in a routine.  I started the week out of routine by the simple fact that I did not grab a paper POINTSTracker when I weighed in.  I thought that tracking online using eTools would be just as effective and plenty of people swear by it.  I also thought it would be something good to keep things new and exciting.  However, it failed miserably for me.  I like being able to carry the paper POINTSTracker in my purse.  I love to just write my meals/points down and forget about it.  I hated fiddling with my Blackberry, which sometimes has browser problems, and more importantly I hated feeling tied to the computer.  I also had a lease issue arise that caused an enormous amount of stress and pressure, which culminated into a binge session Friday night as I turned to my old friend food for comfort.  I got on the scale this afternoon, another bad habit that I’ve resisted so far this time around, and it showed a very tiny loss, which usually would have sent me into an even bigger binge and that would have followed with skipping the meeting and the journey would be as good as done.

“It’s the third week!,” I kept telling myself and then the feelings of guilt started.  But then I stopped and thought about last week’s meeting where the leader started talking about resilience.  Then I thought about all the people I’ve heard contribute in the last two meetings about their struggles.  One woman got her mother to join and gained the week she brought her.  Another man had been holding on strong for several weeks and was THRILLED that he didn’t gain since he plowed snow during our blizzards.  It made me feel better to know that I’m not alone.  Yes, it’s the third week on the program.  But really it’s like the 50th week given how many times I’ve joined/re-joined.

So I had the GS cookies hidden from me and I went to the grocery store and got a week’s worth of good foods.  I also sat down and did meal planning so that I would have WW friendly meals to eat this week.  Yes, this is my third week this time around but this is also going to be the third week on the last time around.  Here’s to a good week!

A simple enough question.  One meant to show love and affection and sometimes even slavery (why, yes I would love to hold up your dress as take a sh!t during your reception).  As a much thinner woman, I never batted an eye.  As a self-proclaimed fat girl, this question creates the same sweaty palms and light-headedness that dances in middle school once did.  Would you like to take a guess as to why?

Did you guess the dress?!  Ding ding ding.  You win!  With articles out there like this and this, being a fat bridesmaid is not something to be taken lightly.  To make matters worse, the bully in your own head start their routine…

“well the only reason she asked you is because the others are super attractive and she wants to make sure she looks better than at least one person”

(Shut up!  We’ve been friends for years.  She loves me!)

“should you order your size as it is today or a size too big in case you gain even more weight or maybe a size too small so that you can be sure that you lose weight before the wedding…no no…don’t be silly…what happens if that becomes another one of your failed diet attempts and you end up with NO dress a week before the wedding”

(Shut up!  I am a normal eater and a healthy individual.  I should at least be able to maintain this weight and I can always have the dress taken in.)

“good thing you have a boyfriend.  there’s no way you’d be able to take home any groomsmen when those hamhocks of arms are exposed.”

(No no no!  Shut up, fat police!)

Being a bridesmaid itself is actually pretty fun and I have enjoyed myself thus far, save for a few minor dress related moments.  It was hard trying on dresses today and having an “attendant” making comments about what’s “flattering”.  The fear itself of today actually caused me to put the experience off as long as possible.

Logically I know that the brides are too focused on maintaining their weights and the stress of their planning to even worry much about my fat ass.  If they were really that concerned, they wouldn’t have asked me to be in their wedding.  But these thoughts didn’t make me feel much better emotionally.  Neither did the fact that this particular dress shop flat REFUSED to remove my size from the bride’s event form that listed my dress (I’m talking to you, David’s Bridal).

At least I now have more motivation to keep me moving through this summer.

WeightWatchers.

This decision was really hard for me.  I sat down and evaluated all of my weight-loss failures in the last year that have lead me to be 17lbs heavier than when I started the year.  I tried Jenny Craig.  I tried South Beach.  I tried a nutritionist.  I tried going it on my own, which resulted in actually starving myself.  I even tried WeightWatchers.  Each attempt crashdived into failure-ville.  The common denominator?  My lifestyle.  None of those things fit with my lifestyle and I wasn’t willing to make the changes that would lead to success.  Yes, I enjoy going out.  I enjoy having a few drinks after work with friends.  I enjoy picking and choosing what I’m going to eat based on how I feel that day.  I was brutally honest with myself.  I can’t do it alone right now.  I need the accountability and I need the cheerleader as much as I need the ability to make choices.  This is what led me back to WeightWatchers, with the promise that I’m not going to let POINTS values ruin my life, I’m going to make smaller changes each day so that it truly is a lifestyle change, and I’m going to commit to something new each week.

Snacks

I joined the program at the end of February so my 3.6lb loss was a first week loss.  I kept lots of snacks around all week and actually ate them.  In fact, I found that I was eating smaller amounts several times a day instead of my no-breakfast-huge-lunch-no-snack-huge-dinner routine without really even noticing.  I kept carrots, applesauce, edamame, popcorn, apple slices, bananas, and crackers on hand at all times.  I never felt starved and I never felt full either.

Making Compromises

I knew that this would never work if I felt like I was punishing myself.  It just wouldn’t.  Why would force yourself to keep doing something that you hate?  So yeah, I still had that grilled steak caesar salad but I had them remove the fried onions, croutons, cheeses.  I still had buffalo wings at the bar one night, but I had diet coke instead of a beer and no appetizers.  I never felt deprived and really, I didn’t miss the beer or the fried onions.

Tonight is my weigh-in.  I ate out a lot more and ate into my weekly “flex” points.  I stayed on the plan though so let’s hope for a loss!

I hate when my favorite bloggers disappear and, in the weight loss blogging world, usually it means that they’re “off the wagon.”  It’s been over a week since I last posted and that’s been due to being horribly sick with food poisoning and traveling for my job.  Don’t worry though, I’m back!

If you couldn’t tell by the poison picture above, I wanted to reflect a little on the food poisoning experience itself.  Don’t worry, I’m not going to provide any details on the physiological aspects of it or the resulting ER visit but I did want to talk a little about the emotional side because it really made me to start to think.

I am an emotional eater.  I eat when I’m happy and want to celebrate.  I eat when I’m depressed and need consolation.  I won’t eat when I’m feeling overwhelmed and need control.  When I look back over the last 7 years of yo-yoing, each peak and valley corresponds directly with an event in my life.  My only successful efforts at weight loss are right at the cusp of a major change in my life, usually graduations or moving.  My large gains are following a depression or dissatisfaction with something in my life, such as a break-up or job/school problems.  Last Saturday, my boyfriend and I got into a huge fight.  After HOURS of fighting, we made up and decided to get something to eat.  He let me pick.  I picked a restaurant known for its desserts.  (I will not name them here because they have been more than wonderful in my “case”.  FYI — The hospital reports any restaurant related cases of food poisoning  to the health department.)  I was feeling exhausted.  I wanted something that would make me happy and I turned to food.

But this time, the food betrayed me!  Instead of making me happy, it made me violently ill.  In those wee hours of the morning on my bathroom floor, I honestly felt betrayed.  Then I just felt silly – it’s food!  It shouldn’t be providing me with anything other than nourishment and energy!  Not only did I have a dysfunctional relationship with my boyfriend but now I also have one with food!  In the days that followed, I didn’t even want to eat.  Because I was treated at the ER, the queasy stomach feeling went away within a day or so but I still just felt like a scorned lover.  How could I learn to trust food again?

I’ve thought and thought and thought on this and I don’t think I have a good answer.  Obviously, I need to find things that make me happy.  I need to find hobbies, experiences, stress relievers, etc. so that I stop turning to food.  In a dietician’s office last year, she made me list things that I could do instead of eat.  I remember thinking that this easy exercise shouldn’t be so hard.  How do I not know what makes me happy?  But I don’t.  For me to tackle this problem with food, I’m really going to work to reframe food in my life.  Food needs to provide me with energy and nourishment, not happiness.  Now that I have READERS, I’d love to hear any other suggestions?

1.  Is she bigger than me? This game can be played in any social situation where women are involved.  It can be played solo or alone and involves comparing the width of your body to that of any other woman in the room.  The thinnest wins.  The loser will win the consolation prize of playing “well I may be bigger but that means my boobs are bigger” because, you know, why should the fun stop at the is she bigger than me edition?

2.  Numbers. 136.  My weight in both seventh and eighth grade.  145.  The weight on my first driver’s license.  158.  The weight during my very first WW weigh in.  132.  My final weight during that first WW run.  (It was a good run there, wasn’t it?)  148.  My weight at the end of my freshman year of college.  176.  My weight on my 21st birthday.  205.  My weight after a vacation in 2007.  173.  My weight at my college graduation…and so on and so forth.  I can’t remember my college GPA to save my life for job applications, but yet I can rattle off my weight from 12 years ago like I’m ordering from a chinese menu board.

3.  Calculations. I’ll admit to you that I work in finance and thus am surrounded by numbers and calculations constantly.  Most of the time I need my calculator or MS Excel.  But if I’m playing this game, I can do it just about anytime or anywhere, including while having conversations with other people or even drunk.  This is the “if I started losing xx lbs per week, then I would weigh xx by this date” game.  “If I engaged in xx behavior, including then I could lose xx a week.”  Using common sense, I should know that these statements do not follow the SMART goal-setting technique…or really any goal-setting technique unless I was vying for a quick trip down eating disorder lane.

4.  When I weigh xx. This game is reminiscent of making a Christmas list.  “When I weigh xx lbs, then I’ll start to do/wear/go/see/date/insert any verb used in living life here.”  Instead of recognizing that you as a person have value and should be respected, you obsess over your weight to the point that you think you’re undeserving of living the best of life.

So how do you fix this?  In the book, Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert, the author is trying to explain that she can’t get her mind to stop running.  It’s constantly moving and in directions that are upsetting to her.  When she explains this to a friend, he tells her that the mind is like a child with a toy.  Take the toy away from it and give it something else to think about.  Of course, this is much harder said than done.  I find this approach to be useful but when it just doesn’t work I find myself thinking back on something a counselor once told me…”it’s hard to respect your body and expect it work with you when you’re always waging a battle on it.”  That always stops me and reminds me to love myself.  But it sure is hard sometimes.

Here's lookin' at you, Fatty!

This is my first blog entry (and there was much rejoicing).

What brings me to this area of the internet?  Now that I’ve graduated from college, I have a daily routine of “internet errands” .  Dropping by the news neighborhoods for a quick hello.  Checking the mail.  Picking up a few things here and there.  Stopping to ask for directions.  I’ve tried writing blogs before but they’ve always felt like internet graffiti, not contributing much more than noise.  But, like graffiti, there are many purposes to the art.  Sometimes it serves as a memorial.  In this blog, the memorial is of my journey to lose and maintain my weight, while trying to figure out myself.

A lot of people with such a long and arduous journey (over 60lbs!)  move through a series of attitudes:

1.  The quick and easy solution. Surely there’s a pill or a program or even a shoe that will allow me to lose weight and keep up this gluttony!  Alli, p90x, Sketch-up’s anyone?

2.  Blaming. It was my job, my parents, school, health, etc that made me gain weight.

3.  Depression. It’s hopeless.  I won’t ever reach my goals.  I might as well eat what I want now before I am forced to change my eating habits due to something like diabetes.

4.  Denial. I haven’t gained any more weight.  My clothes shrank in the dryer.  This scale is clearly wrong.

5.  Determination.  I am sick and tired of myself.  Something has to change.

Sometimes you can even move through these stages in the same day.  Where does that leave me?  Somewhere between depression and determination.  Today I wore the biggest pair of pants I own and the zipper wouldn’t stay up because I really should be a size higher.  My boots today felt tight and all of my muscles are sore.   I haven’t been on a scale in over a week because I am scared of how much damage I did with the blizzard binge this weekend.  I plowed through a very high fat and caloric dinner because I restricted my diet too much during the day and became ravenous after work.  I’m feeling guilty.  I’m feeling depressed.  I’m feeling physically ill.  So what now?

Now I make a decision.  That decision is not to continue the binging.  That decision is to start by making a serious of small decisions every day.  That decision is to start to love myself more.  I wouldn’t let my boyfriend or my best friend starve themselves to the point of agitation.  I wouldn’t let them shove their faces with food they hate so that they feel like they’re punishing themselves.  This blog is going to be a memorial to these decisions so that one day when it’s all second nature I’ll remember how hard each decision was.

My first decision?  Not to binge tonight.  Not to eat the ice cream calling my name in the freezer.